I went back and read some of my older blog posts. I think I am liking where my head was then a lot better than I am liking where my head is now. Last week was not a good one. I felt angry and wounded. This week is a LOT better. I can say that I don't feel angry any more, but the events of last week have left me feeling really introspective. I don't like this restlessness I am feeling!
I told a girlfriend the other day that I felt as lost as I did the first year I taught. That was the toughest and fastest year of my entire life! I felt like I was treading water for dear life. It was EXHAUSTING! This year I am probably busier than I have ever been as a teacher. I don't mind being busy all day. It makes the time pass faster. What I don't like is feeling busy and flailing at the same time. Changes have left me feeling like I can't get my feet under me. All this has caused me to start questioning a lot of things! Nobody's fussing at me. The problem is that I am my absolute worst critic. I wish I knew how to turn it down a notch because the voice in my head is so loud it is keeping me awake at night and I am not liking that either.
In January I made some positive conscious decisions. I decided to take action and do some things that I have needed to do for a long time. I decided I wanted to be as healthy and happy as I could possibly be. I decided that I wanted to make it a point to enjoy my life. I chased a dream for about 10 years and in December I saw that dream through to fruition. I also made the decision to regain control of my health. I have taken steps toward becoming physically healthier. I started working on quitting smoking, exercising and eating healthier. Looking back I can see that the common denominator in all of that was that all these things had to do with things that I could control through my own choices. I also made the conscious choice to work on my spiritual life. I know that all these things are from God and I ask his guidance as I continue to make the necessary choices.
So now, as I find myself feeling a little restless I find myself praying about it and also asking what part of this is within my control? I am praying for guidance daily. I am praising God for all that he has done for me. In my prayers I am asking God to show me the way I should go. I guess the problem is that I am an impatient child and I am looking for some kind of roadside billboard or spotlight to show me the way. I know he will answer, but will it be a subtle answer or a glaring sign? If you are reading this, please pray for me. Please ask God to guide me. Please ask him to calm this restlessness one way or the other. Please ask him to quiet that really loud voice in my head that keeps telling me I am a failure. Please ask him to lessen my frustration level and to give me back my joy! I don't think anybody is necessarily stealing it from me, but right now I am not feeling it!
I am making an executive decision. I have decided that this will be the last negative post on my blog, if I can help it. I want to get back to talking about the things that make me happy. Those are the things that are important!
One thing that makes me the happiest is my sweet little Beckham. His smile makes my heart leap with joy! I worried that he might not know his Yaya the way that I want him to since I live so far away, but the other day I got one of those glaring signs I am talking about. Katie and I were face-timing and she had given him the phone. He was fussing when she took it back so that I could see him. I started to sing a song to him that I have been singing to him since the day he came home from the hospital. It's a silly little song, but it special to me and I wanted it to be special to him too. Well, anyway, when I started singing he got immediately quiet and looked and listened while I sang and he smiled at the end. He knows "our" song and he knows HIS Yaya loves him!!! THAT, my friends, is what life is all about!!!
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