Happy Birthday!!!

Today's blog post is dedicated to my sweet sweet mother!  Today would've been her 72nd birthday.  I know that she is in Heaven with her mama and daddy and all the dear ones who have gone on before us. I know that they are having a celebration that is so grand that we can not even imagine how spectacular it is!  I can see a huge bowl of fresh fruit salad sitting beside an angel food cake that is beautifully decorated with pink fluffy 7 minute icing and cherries and an ice cold Coke on some "good" ice that has been washed just the way she liked it!

Several years have passed since she was called home, and I find myself counting backwards as I try to remember how old she would have been.  I often wonder how life might have been if she had been given more time on this earth.  My faith tells me that wanting her here with me is absolutely selfish.  I think of an old church song that says, "This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through!", and my soul knows that this is true, but my heart still misses her dearly!

Mama wasn't much for photographs.  I'm not really sure why that is.  To me, she was one of the most beautiful and stylish ladies I have ever been around, but for whatever reason I find that I have very few photographs of her.  I do cherish those which I still possess!

My mother was the epitome of what one might consider to be a fine southern lady.  She was kind, strong, fearless, loyal and loving.  She was a most excellent councilor and in many ways she was the glue that held our family together. She set such a fine example for those of us who loved her!

I think back to a time long ago, when I was a little girl.  I couldn't have been more than 6 years old.   I am not sure why I had it on my mind, but I asked her if she would live long enough for me to be able to take care of myself.  I remember feeling really relieved when she promised that she would.

Flash forward over 25 years...Sitting in an oncologist's office with my parents I heard a prognosis that brought me to my knees!  12 to 18 months is what the doctor had to say.  I felt like the wind had been knocked completely out of my lungs.  I wasn't ready.... I wasn't even close to ready!  I was sad.  I was shocked.  I was TERRIFIED!

Nearly a year later I found myself sitting in prayer for Mama.  I begged God to come back for us so that my family wouldn't have to go through the pain of losing her.  I said that prayer so many times I lost count!  As I prayed I found myself wondering, "Can I take care of myself?".  Maybe I could, but I sure didn't want to!

Over the next few years I wished for more!  I wanted more time.  I wanted more lessons.  I wanted more memories.  I just wanted more!

I don't know exactly when, but I did come to understand that while her body isn't here any more, she is still all around!  I saw her the other day when I walked up on my aunt Jan in the foyer at the church building.  I see her in the facial expressions my sweet Beckham makes all the time.  He wrinkles his little nose up and smiles and it's like she is looking right at me!  I have seen a glimpse of her in my own reflection in the mirror from time to time!  I feel her in the conversations that I have with my sweet Katie and everyone else who was lucky enough to know an love her!  I sometimes get messages from her  through songs on the radio and sometimes she visits me in my dreams!  I even hear her in the words that come out of my own mouth at times!  I can hear her voice in my head and she is coming in loud and clear!  So you see, loved ones may travel on to the kingdom of Heaven, but they never really leave us.  We just have to be alert and aware and willing to receive the messages that are coming our way!

This doesn't mean that I miss her any less, but it does give me comfort to know that she isn't really gone. The thing I am most thankful for is the fact that I know that there will come a day in which we will all come together again, in the presence of our king and savior, and there will be no more tears, no more sickness and no more death!  I am most thankful for the gift of everlasting life that comes from obeying the Gospel of Jesus Christ!

So I say..... HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!!!  Enjoy your celebration in Heaven and save a place for me!  I will be there soon!

How Do You Know?

Well, I've been awake since abou 1:30 am.  I'm not exactly sure why, but it is going to make for a LONG day!!!  So, with 2 cups of coffee in already, here I sit waiting on time to go to work.

I went back and read some of my older blog posts.  I think I am liking where my head was then a lot better than I am liking where my head is now.  Last week was not a good one.  I felt angry and wounded.  This week is a LOT better.  I can say that I don't feel angry any more, but the events of last week have left me feeling really introspective.  I don't like this restlessness I am feeling!

I told a girlfriend the other day that I felt as lost as I did the first year I taught.  That was the toughest and fastest year of my entire life!  I felt like I was treading water for dear life.  It was EXHAUSTING!  This year I am probably busier than I have ever been as a teacher.  I don't mind being busy all day.  It makes the time pass faster.  What I don't like is feeling busy and flailing at the same time.  Changes have left me feeling like I can't get my feet under me.  All this has caused me to start questioning a lot of things!  Nobody's fussing at me.  The problem is that I am my absolute worst critic.  I wish I knew how to turn it down a notch because the voice in my head is so loud it is keeping me awake at night and I am not liking that either.

In January I made some positive conscious decisions.  I decided to take action and do some things that I have needed to do for a long time.  I decided I wanted to be as healthy and happy as I could possibly be.  I decided that I wanted to make it a point to enjoy my life.  I chased a dream for about 10 years and in December I saw that dream through to fruition.  I also made the decision to regain control of my health.  I have taken steps toward becoming physically healthier.  I started working on quitting smoking, exercising and eating healthier.  Looking back I can see that the common denominator in all of that was that all these things had to do with things that I could control through my own choices.  I also made the conscious choice to work on my spiritual life.  I know that all these things are from God and I ask his guidance as I continue to make the necessary choices.

So now, as I find myself feeling a little restless I find myself praying about it and also asking what part of this is within my control?  I am praying for guidance daily.  I am praising God for all that he has done for me.  In my prayers I am asking God to show me the way I should go.  I guess the problem is that I am an impatient child and I am looking for some kind of roadside billboard  or spotlight to show me the way.  I know he will answer, but will it be a subtle answer or a glaring sign?  If you are reading this, please pray for me.  Please ask God to guide me.  Please ask him to calm this restlessness one way or the other.  Please ask him to quiet that really loud voice in my head that keeps telling me I am a failure.  Please ask him to lessen my frustration level and to give me back my joy!  I don't think anybody is necessarily stealing it from me, but right now I am not feeling it!

I am making an executive decision.  I have decided that this will be the last negative post on my blog, if I can help it.  I want to get back to talking about the things that make me happy.  Those are the things that are important!

One thing that makes me the happiest is my sweet little Beckham.  His smile makes my heart leap with joy!  I worried that he might not know his Yaya the way that I want him to since I live so far away, but the other day I got one of those glaring signs I am talking about.  Katie and I were face-timing and she had given him the phone.  He was fussing when she took it back so that I could see him.  I started to sing a song to him that I have been singing to him since the day he came home from the hospital.  It's a silly little song, but it special to me and I wanted it to be special to him too.  Well, anyway, when I started singing he got immediately quiet and looked and listened while I sang and he smiled at the end.  He knows "our" song and he knows HIS Yaya loves him!!!  THAT, my friends, is what life is all about!!!

What A Week!

From the first year I taught school I have felt that the short weeks are always the worst and the week following Labor Day was NO EXCEPTION.  I will get to that in a minute, but first:

I am going to pat myself on the back a little bit.  Before school started this year I set a goal to exercise 3 times per week.  I can happily report that I have exceeded that goal and been regularly exercising at least 5 days per week.  Now I have set a mini-goal to try to do 7 days in a row.  NO I am not a skinny mini yet, but I can say that I have found that I feel better after exercising in the morning.

I choose the mornings to do my workouts because I heard that doing it later in the evening might keep me awake at night.  If you know me, you know that I have NEVER been one to want to work out or sweat, so I had no idea if that theory was real or legend.  I am finding that there may actually be something to that whole endorphin thing.  I am finding that I feel really good following my workouts.  I am waiting to see if this feeling continues.

I am also proud to report that I have not smoked a cigarette since the Friday morning before Labor Day.  This is HUGE news given the fact that I have been a pretty regular smoker for over 30 years. If you do the math, yes I did start when I was about 13 or 14 years old.  I am not proud of that, but it is what it is!  I can gladly say that what I have been doing this week seems to be working so I will continue on with that part of my journey!

The camping trip last weekend was great and I sure did appreciate the extra day off on Monday, however, losing that day had me worried that my week was going to be extraordinarily hectic.  Let me just say that the week did not disappoint my expectations.  By 3:30 pm on Friday I was more than glad that it was over!

To say that I love my job is an understatement.  I absolutely love the tasks that are associated with working with children with exceptionalities and delays.  I am lucky that I often spend years working with the same children and can really see their progress over time.  I LOVE that they smile when they see me because they know we are about to go "play".  I LOVE that when many of these children are 8 or 9 years old they still run to me to share a hug.  I honestly believe that that is a wonderful legacy to leave!

Unfortunately, that's not the only thing that my work days consist of.  That's where the trouble starts!
The bottom line is that I know what my job is.  I worked hard to learn how to do it and I know that I can do it!  I wish that I had thicker skin, but unfortunately I do not.  I don't even know if that is something that I could or should work to acquire.  What I do need to work on is how my emotions take over in stressful situations.  I let my anger and frustration get the best of me and it reduced me to tears.  Not only is that unprofessional, but it is unnecessary in the scheme of things!

I am safe.  I am comfortable.  I have a strong faith in God.  I know that he loves me with all my flaws!  I have a strong marriage and can depend on my husband to support me when I don't think I can stand on my own.  My family is healthy, happy and prosperous!  THOSE are the things that are the most important!  My greatest desire is to live a life that glorifies God!  That is what my real LIFE is!  Everything else is nonsense!

I am blessed to have a job that I love, but in the end it is just a job!  A job is the place to go to in order to earn the money needed for life!  That is why they call it WORK!!!   I guess sometimes we need reminding of that.  Ok then, I got it!

I am looking really forward to next week for several reasons.  It's a chance to start anew!


The best part is that even though I felt so stressed I did not deviate from my diet or exercise plan!  I really wanted a vat of chocolate, but I didn't eat it, and I DID NOT SMOKE!!!

This year's motto is turning into:                    






                                                                       TAKE A STEP BACK
                                                                                BREATHE
                                                            REEVALUATE THE SITUATION
                                                                              TRY AGAIN!!

Off And Running!

When I sat down to blog this morning it felt like it had been FOREVER since I wrote, but in actuality it was only about two weeks.  That speaks volumes about how busy life can be sometimes.  So, as I sit here and write, I can't help but warn you that this blog post may be a little scattered or disconnected because that's the way my thoughts are today.  I hope you can bear with me and in the end this makes sense!

School is off and running!  It took me a week to get myself organized to a point where I will be ready to serve my students when they come back tomorrow.  I hope I got it together enough for them.  I am very thankful that all my students aren't actually coming back until after the holiday because there is NO WAY I could have prepared myself in less time.  I am looking so forward to seeing what they all have been up to over the break!  Some of my babies have moved on into elementary school but there will be new faces to take their spots so my year will be very busy!

Johnnie and I made it home from a wonderful family get together in Texas.  We met our niece and a bunch of her family at a really nice campground and spent the weekend relaxing in the pool and visiting with loved ones.  It was really great!  I've said it before and I will say it again, "I am so glad that my in-laws are NORMAL!"  We have such fun together and there's not a bunch of weirdness with any of them.  It makes me really look forward to being together!  I hate that we only see each other a few times a year, but I guess a few times are better than no times so I will count my blessings!

Today marks the "official" last day of summer, but as hot as it is outside it feels like summer is here to stay for a little while longer!  We've had a fabulous Summer, but I am soooo looking forward to Fall!  I love everything that comes along with the Autumn season and I can't wait for it to get here in full force!

Fall has always been my most favorite time of year.  I love the first "real" Fall day, when the weather is cool in the morning and stays cool all through the day!  I love the way that breathing in that cool air feels in my lungs!  I love needing to grab a sweater as I head out the door!  I think my love of Fall comes from the fact that it is filled with so very many sweet memories!  To me Fall means comfort!

I love Football!  It's a sort of institution among my family.  My mother might have been the biggest LSU Tiger football fan who never attended the college!  My earliest memories of Christmas at our house involved a beautifully decorated Christmas tree that had a Mike The Tiger ornament at the top instead of a star or an angel.  Another sweet memory of my childhood is how my mother would play a cassette tape or CD of the Golden Band From Tiger Land in the days leading up to the first football game of the season.  She would pretend that she was a majorette and would twirl her "air" baton while the band played in the background.  Her movements and facial expressions were PRICELESS!  She would spin, twirl and throw her imaginary prop and even reach down to pick it up off the ground when she'd missed a fake catch!  It was truly one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life!

I love to think about memories like that.  In her last few years of life that kind of joy seemed to be stolen I away from her and it made me so sad to watch.  I am so thankful that in my lifetime of memories there are more of the happy ones than the sad ones!  I know that I am lucky and blessed!

I also associate crisp fall days with some of my favorite family recipes.  Mama would make the first sweet potato pies of the season just as soon as the temperature dropped.  Another thing that went with fall was Chicken Andouille Gumbo with Potato Salad and Fluffy Steamed Rice!  Just thinking about it is making my mouth water!

Another thing I like about Fall is that it brings on the start of the holiday season!  The time between Halloween and Mardi Gras was always my favorite time of year.  I loved it as a child and young adult.  I think that after Mama passed away I tried my best to avoid that time of the year, but in my heart it was still my favorite.  I guess that's why I wanted to avoid it.  I buried a big piece of my heart with my mother and for years I felt like nothing would ever be the same.  All these years later I know that I was both right and wrong!  No things will not be the same, but there are still memories to be made.  I have always believed that my sweet little Beckham rekindled my holiday spirit!  Now all I want to do is share all the family stories and traditions with him and all the little ones who come after him!   It is funny, I have heard all about how grand children can change you and now I know that what I heard was the truth!  It's like they make old things new again!

In other news, I've been dieting for about a month.  I am not actually calling it "dieting", but more like "lifestyle changing" instead.  I am still not drinking diet cokes and I am upping my daily water intake.  I have also added some kind of daily activity.  I have been working out with my Wii almost every morning.  I track my caloric intake on a computer program called myfitnesspal.  I have set the program with what I weigh and what I would like to lose and my activity level and it tells me how many calories to eat.  From everything I have read the fads just don't work, but if you keep calories in check and add exercise, positive results will come.  I've been at it for about a month and am about 13 lbs down so I must be doing something right.  Now the trick is to keep it up!  I have ordered some new Wii games and accessories.  I can't wait until they get here so I can change things up a little bit!  I am making some much needed lifestyle changes.  I want a healthier life.  I am even making a real effort to stop the nasty smoking habit I have had for more years than I would like to even count!

This is my fourth day with no cigarettes.  Our niece told me about vapor cigarettes that let you gradually wean down the nicotine while still simulating the action of smoking, but the only thing you exhale is water vapor.  It looks like smoke but doesn't stink or irritate others and if what the research has said is true it doesn't have all the things that cigarettes have that cause cancer.  I am keeping a positive attitude and I am pleased to say, "So far, so good!"